Sorry. This is autism.

I'd like to apologize ahead of time.  There are going to be many times I don't call you back, or answer the phone.  There are going to be times I can't get right back to you, or times I have to cancel plans last minute.  I might have to cancel appointments at the last minute.  The old me (before kids) would have fretted about this...I have learned to live with it.  This is autism. There are times I may ask you to drive my other kid somewhere, or pick him up. This does not come lightly.  (I hate asking for help)  I may not be able to make cookies, or treats for the next day knowing I don't have a sitter- and can't get to the store.  If it's unplanned then it's not worth the stress to try and take her out.  It just isn't. This is autism.

I can't predict autism, but I can predict my own daughter.  I know when she says or does certain things, that I am going to be limited in what I can do.  I know her cues...and she knows mine.  I can tell by her anxiousness, or by her speech that something may not happen for me.  I can plan 2 months in advance, but if she can't handle it that day (for whatever reason)...I have to cancel.   This is autism. 

I have learned her limits, and know how to push her towards new goals.  It's a SLOW process, but I get it now.  She's about to turn 15-years-old.  I have had 15 years experience learning how to judge what may or may not happen. I am not perfect at it, but I am much better than I used to be.  There have been times I left her with sitters knowing she was anxious, upset, and not ok with me being gone.  And yes, it's a disaster.   I have learned to slowly ease her in to new things.  A few minutes of success is much better than her screaming, yelling, swearing and whatever else she can do to get me to take her home.  She knows now to tell me that she needs to go.  If we have a list, and a purpose--we can do it.  (It's a 5-minute trip- but it's successful)

It only took 15 years, but I sort of get it now.  However, it won't stay this way.  By the time I finish writing this, it will probably change. 

This is autism.