More and more

I am taking on more and more.  Everyday, I add something on, and say to myself.."it's fine."  I have 16 credits this semester.  Way more than I ever would want, but feel as though I need to get done with my certification sooner than later.  I need to get a job doing what I love, and time is not on my side.  So, I'll take on more and more.  Oh wait...let's add in the parenting part.  Each day, there are things that I must do as a parent, and then I add on something new.  I add on soccer practice, and soccer games.  I add on homework for Brendan, and help with projects.  "It's fine."  (these are things I like) I add on daughter/son and mom time, homework for him, social skills help for her, bathing, brushing teeth, feeding, etc. .  Oh- and homework for me.  Now, let's add autism.  Each day brings something new, and something different. "IT'S FINE." I am not really sure what that will be, but I know it when it happens.   I can't anticipate these things.  It's like a puzzle (imagine that).  It could be screaming for no reason, picking, no socks, or more socks, and FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!  The never ending battle with food.

There are days I just want to SCREAM at the newest autism-ness we have started.  I guess I am that eternal optimist hoping that one week she will just be "better" and I'll be able to say..."Wow, this week was easy!"   "I THINK I am fine." I hate to say it, but each week seems to be getting harder.  Is it puberty?  Or is it autism, or both?  (I hope its the first)  Or is it me? (Well- that can't be!)

Somedays, I teeter on the fact that I might go right over that edge if one more thing is added.  Just one.  But, then again...I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. :) (at least I hope)

Insurance

Today is a banner day.  I got a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield that states that Autism treatments will now be covered.  Such as: Applied Behavioral Analysis, physical, speech and occupational therapy.  Nutritional counseling as part of ASD treatment, other mental health benefits or medical services to diagnose and treat autism spectrum disorders.  Applied behavioral analysis  helps with behaviors associated with ASD.  From 2008 until last year, I spent nearly $3000 on ABA therapy for Phoebe.  She went 2 time monthly at $50-55 per session.  Let's be honest, I borrowed the money to pay for it.  I don't have an extra $100 a month for anything, and I think many families have to borrow if they even have that option.  I borrow for almost all the extra things I do for Phoebe.  I am lucky...I have that option.  I only started ABA when Phoebe was in 5th grade.  Can you imagine the cost if I had started when she was 5?  And, not to mention the speech, and OT that I was taking her back and forth to.  It would be too much.

The parents of autistic children are stressed enough- and by that I mean me.  At least now, one thing is a little lighter on me.  ie: Bills:)

The other one.

Let's face it...the other child in an Autism house gets the shaft.  All around in life, my Brendan gets the bad side of autism.  If I have to face it - he has to face it.  If she has a meltdown and I have to deal with her, so does he.  He can't run away and hide.  He can't escape the meltdowns.  He listens and takes it on.  He has to explain her, and try to understand her.  This isn't easy for a 10-year-old.  He is only capable of understanding so much...and this is a lot.  We have been over this before, and I think everyone understands that despite being in a single-mom house, and having a sister with autism...he is a remarkable young boy.  (and that isn't just mom bias)

Recently, we were given the opportunity to go to Universal Studios with family for a birthday.  I went over this in my mind so many times.  Could I just take Brendan?  Would I break Phoebe's heart?  I planned the trip, and made arrangements for my mom, and her dad, to take her for the long weekend.  I told her about the trip.  Her response..."is there going to be fireworks there?" So, I replied "yes." And, she said, "have a good time, mom."  So, Brendan and I got to go, and be together for the first time ever.  (well longer than a day or two).

We flew down on a Thursday morning, and from the moment we left the house, he had a smile a mile long.  Did I have guilt?  I sure as heck did.  Is that normal?  God, I hope so.  I checked on Phoebe as best I could, and even got an email from her that said..."i am sad."  Which made me feel even worse.  However, my mom had it covered, and her dad made her weekend special.  I had nothing to worry about.  (Unlike last year when I laid on the floor and cried when my mom and I went to Vegas- more on that later)  We spent 4 days together enjoying the parks, and enjoying time together as mother and son.  We laughed...a lot.  We went to see Harry Potter at Universal.  We bought a ton of junk that we won't ever remember.  We drank butter beer.  We ate cotton candy (YUCK), and got candy at Honeydukes.  We did it all.  For the first time, I cherished EVERY moment of it, as hyper as he was.  I loved seeing him have no stress about his sister, or his life.

He got to be Brendan...10-year-old boy.  And, I got to be Beth...mom of Brendan, not mom of Phoebe, the autistic girl.  It was all about him.  As it should be sometimes.