Holiday time again

It's that time again.  The Holidays.  It's a weird time for my autistic kid.  She gets anxious, and undone with no school, and having so many unknowns makes her crazy.  Again, we plan and hope for the best.

What started as a way to make evenings easier at holiday time has turned in to a full on tradition.  When I first moved back to Saginaw, night time was the hardest for me.  I was alone, and unhappy.  It was the first Christmas without a husband to help, and the first holiday in my own house.  One crazy kid night, I decided that jammies, hot cocoa, and a ride in the car to look at Christmas lights was the answer.  While it was only about 20 minutes of quiet...it was a moment of peace for me.  We brought blankets, and listened to Christmas music.  The dog always came along.  At first, I was pushing them to get in the car, then after only a few short trips...we had a tradition.  Every year since then, Phoebe has asked the week of Thanksgiving about our "light trips." I was the one holding back thinking I didn't really want to get in the car and drive around, in the last couple years.  

Tonight, was the first of the many asks about the light trips.  I told her that there might not be many up yet, but she was insistent that we go. Brendan ran and got his jammies on, and Phoebe got the dog.  We hopped in our mini-van (how cliche) and off we went.  We did see a few lights, but not as many as we hoped.  Phoebe replied..."It might be early. We can go again in a few days."  And, both Brendan and I said..."YEP.  It's tradition."

So, here it is again.  The start of our trek to look at lights every other night.   If only life could go this smoothly.  :)

Happy Turkey Day!

Thoughts on this whole thing

Parenting is a challenge.  Parents all know that.  Most of us went in to the whole thing knowing this ahead of time.  Recently, my mom asked me..."Did you think you could ever have done this?" And, you know...I'm not sure I thought I could.  I know for a fact on one lonely day while waiting to move back to Saginaw, I sat in my living room thinking those exact thoughts.  "How am I going to do this?  How will I ever be able to be alone, and accomplish parenting and everything else?"  This among the typical sobs that I had then.  Not to mention the thoughts on never finding love again.  (that's a whole different blog)

I had a 3 year old, and a 5 1/2 year old when I moved here.  (old news- I know) That 3-year-old needed me as much as any baby, and the 5-year-old needed me even more with the addition of an autism diagnosis.  She was always in need of me.  I took on that role without hesitation.  I cried a lot, and I stressed a lot.  I took a LOT of Prilosec.  Single mom life.  I can't even stress how hard this is, but most of us take it on without question.  We just don't.  Do we have a choice?  (well- maybe some do, but the choice was clear for me)

This month has brought on new challenges and new things.  I took them on, and I am dealing with it as I always have.  Do I collapse in to bed at night?  YEP.  I get a lot done, and then I really do.  I sob on and off, at random times for random reasons.  These times are much less than they used to be.  This autism thing is an emotional roller coaster.  You have to have some thick skin for this...and I hope mine has grown to be that way.   Just when I think it's going good...autism SMACKS me in the face and brings on a whole new challenge.

When you ask how I do it...I don't really ever think of how I do it.  I just do, and so would most of you. And, no...I do not want to teach autistic kids.  No offense, but I get enough of that at home.    

Bring it on autism...I am about ready to buy a suit of armor.

(Now do you see a good reason for ART?)

Changes again

Once again, I am preparing myself, and Phoebe, for some big changes.  Phoebe has behaviors.  Really bad behaviors.  (and I mean REALLY bad) Can she help it? Does she like doing these things?  Who knows.  The bottom line is she can't do these things around school mates.  I understand that.  Do I like it?  Not at all. Have I learned in the last 13 years of her life that the things I hate the most, are usually the things I can change the least?  Yep.  This is the story of my life.  I so wish Phoebe could sit in a class and do reading, writing, math and science.  I do.  It's my least favorite feeling in the world.  I have a child with behavioral problems.  You hope to raise polite, polished, somewhat smart, happy person.  I am doing some of that, but she is anything but polite and polished.  I have accepted autism, and PDD-NOS, and behaviors, but I fricking hate them.  I REALLY do.

A long time ago, I gave up on the idea of graduation, graduation parties, and that big old DIPLOMA.  At this point...WHO CARES.  I am just going to be happy if she can get through the day without saying, "you're a shit", or "I hate you" to any of her family, or her teachers.  (or throwing chairs, desks, pencils, etc.- you get it)  Yes, Phoebe is autistic, but that is just the beginning.  She doesn't understand consequences.  She doesn't get subtle hints.  She doesn't get that if you say something horrible...it hurts someones feelings.  I DO.  I understand that she is going to miss out on things, because of her disability.  (As much as I don't want to think about it)  The bottom line is...if she's happy, I'm happy.  If giving her less constraints means more happiness and better behaviors.  Let's go for it.

Because eventually, she'll change things up and we will be doing this again.  We will again make  changes and do what makes her happy (and less apt to make her have behaviors).  I'll keep doing it...until I collapse.

That is my job.

MOM.