Sameness

I have said it before...but I'll reiterate that my life is a script.  My life as mom, is scripted when it comes to Phoebe.  She asks something...I always answer with the same thing.  In the summer, this isn't any different.  In fact, it's multiplied by 100. (or a million - the number is random)  Phoebe's scripted life still gets her up at 6, and ready for bed at 7 pm . The hours in between are filled with those very questions and answers that give her ASD, OCD, and anxiety, what she needs to be ok.  As I age, I sometimes think I am going crazy.  "Did she just ask me the same question 30 times until I answered the way she expected me to?"  In fact, she did.  The mere idea of changing the answer can sometimes send her in to a full on tantrum.  This I avoid at all costs, but should I?  (I don't know...but I do)

Case in point...recently Phoebe asked when she got off the bus..."Mom, what are we having for dinner, and what are we doing tonight.?"  So, I replied in my funny- ha, ha, way..."we are eating dirt, and going on a boat ride to Florida."  She stared...I stared.  What came next was 2 hours of..."Are we really eating dirt?  Are we really going on a boat?  I don't like boats.  Are we really eating dirt?"  After that...I yelled..."OH MY GOD...I WAS KIDDING!!"  And, it hit me...just like it always does.  Everything is reality to her.  EVERYTHING.  You say it, you mean it.  Just like the ride at Disney's Epcot that has Lightening in the beginning. To her, that is REAL lightening...and that means a storm.  (which means royal meltdown including calling me every mother f*ing word imaginable)  

So, I'll continue to make her life easier (and let's be honest...mine too).  I'll answer the questions the way she wants me to, and then I'll slowly make her expand her life.  Little by little I will interject new scenarios, and new ways to deal with things. I'll keep parenting the ASD as best I can.  As best I can- whatever that means.  I'll sit here every evening printing out her schedule for the next day, so that she knows what to expect.  (And me too)  

So for now..."We are having Chicken for dinner, and we aren't going anywhere tonight." And, tomorrow morning..."Yes, you can have a piece of bread and an apple, and take a bath." 

and so it begins...

And so the summer begins this week...with one anxious, stressed autistic girl.  The things that have been routine for the whole year will come to an abrupt halt.  The bus will not arrive at 7:50 am every morning to pick her up, and drop her off at 3:50 every afternoon.  She will not be on a tight schedule from 8:30 am until 3:30 pm- down to the 1/2 hour or more.  She will not know her expectations at home on a daily basis, until I set them.  The constant asking, wanting and needing food will begin to stress me out beyond belief.

Last night was the first of many nights that she was awake, on and off, all night.  She even managed to ask what day was her last day of school at 3:00 am, which led me to realize that was what this whole thing was about.  As I write this, I am getting her eating schedule ready, and her daily list together.  Each morning, every summer since she was 5 years old, we have made a daily schedule together.  It helps her know what to expect for that day.  Even though it's not the same as school--it's a close second.  Not only does it help her, but it helps me in more ways that you can ever know.  If we don't have it...she is right next to my side  every waking moment of the day asking... "what are we doing now mom?", "when is dinner mom?", "what can we do now mom?".   A schedule at least gives me a few moments in the day- where she knows what she should be doing.  Does she always do it?  No.  (At least she has something to look at and know there isn't anything huge planned for that day)  Does she have more meltdowns in the summer?  YOU BET.  Do I have more meltdowns in the summer?  Yep. :)  However, my meltdowns are more based on the fact that I might need to take out a small loan to pay for a babysitter, and to buy the amount of groceries I will need to feed these 2 children for the summer.

So, today will be my last day of full freedom, as I get her schedule together, and her life (and mine) organized for the next 3 months.  

I think I better call my doctor, so I can double up on MY prozac...and my prilosec.

Look out summer...here we come!