What is normal?

What is normal?  My normal is Phoebe.  She was a happy baby.  She was a sick baby.  She was a delayed baby, but she was normal to me.  She smiled at me when she was supposed to.  She cried when she was hungry. (she still does) She laughed and giggled, and said "dada" and "turf" (dog) when she was supposed to.  What she didn't do was sit up on time, or crawl, or walk on time.  Eventually, most of these things came...and that was normal.  "She's big for her age. She'll do things later than most babies."  Ok, I took that to be normal, and I went with it.  She had terrible asthma, and breathing treatments, and 1000 ear infections, and tubes, and all that stuff.  Normal stuff.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  At least to me...it didn't seem that way.

Was it stressful?  Yep.  Was it rewarding?  Yes.  She would shop with me (and nana), and meet friends, and laugh and play with others.  She was not that different.  She was chubby, happy, smiley and funny!  The first noticeable difference was in pre-school.  She wasn't where she should be.  Ok, sometimes that is normal.  I immediately started getting her the help she needed.  I got her extensive speech therapy, and occupational therapy, and physical therapy.  I did it all.  It was normal.   I did not think that "developmentally delayed" was a label.   It was who, and what she was.  Since then, I have done everything I can to help her.  This is my normal.

Recently, she was in her bed crying.  I went in and asked her what was the matter.  This is not an easy question for her...she can't really answer, or know most of the time.  She replied..."I have no idea, but I can't stop!"  I laughed.  I actually laughed.  I sat and looked at my autistic, delayed, PDD-NOS, whatever-you-want-to-call-it daughter and said to her..."yep, you're a teenager, and that's normal."  I walked out of her room knowing that some of this is just normal teenager stuff.

Then I thought... "OH MY GOD! I HAVE A TEENAGER!"  (Is that normal?)



**A few more funny things Phoebe has said lately. (to lighten the mood)

• "mom, I need another American GOO-GOO doll." (not even sure how she came up with that)
• "I'm just chillaxing"
• I said to her in the car..."you need to calm down."  She replied..."I AM CALM!!!" (I laughed)
• "Mom, you should really brush your hair before you take him to school." :) (OMG- am I embarrassing her?)

Mothering plans

Mothers Day has brought up many thoughts this week.  My mother is the funniest, and the best mom in the world.  I realize many people say that, but those of you who know my mom know she is THE BEST. We do everything together, talk many times per day, and enjoy each others company.  It really is the greatest.  I can't imagine how my mother got through life, when her mother died when she was in her early 40's.  When I was little- that seemed sooooo old.  Now, as I look to 42...it seems really young.  Not sure how she dealt with that, and raised my brother and I with my dad.

All I ever wanted was to be just like my mom.  I wanted to go and graduate from Michigan State, and I did.  I wanted to date my high school sweetheart, get married and have children, and I did.  I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I was.  However, that's as far as I got.  I never looked past raising children.  I wanted to be a mom, and I really never looked forward.  During my early 20's, I worked knowing there would be an end in sight, and that kids would be my focus.  That went as planned.  The wrench came in when the kids were little, and my husband left and we subsequently divorced.  That was the first thing that was not in the plan.  My thinking changed.  My life changed.  Then came the autism diagnosis. (PDD-NOS)

Autism was also not in the plan. (And, who in their right mind would plan for that??)  When you hear about kids with disabilities, before you actually have children, you think that it's not something you'll ever have to worry about.  Statistics are on your side.  (so you think)  I had the same ideas for my babies when they were born -  that my parents had for me.  They will grow up, and go to college and move out.  My husband and I will travel, and do all those things that parents do when their kids leave.  Right?  However, autism was not in that plan.  As Phoebe gets older, I realize that this "hands-on" parenting thing may go on for me -  for a lot longer than most average children.  I didn't plan for this.  Will it fit in to the plan?  Of course it will.  But, again...this is not where I thought I would be when I was 42.  When Phoebe was 12 months, she began to scoot on her butt to get around.  We called her the butt scooter.  She never crawled, and walked late.  That seemed so cute then.  I knew she would walk eventually, and that she wouldn't "scoot" down the aisle at her wedding.   Now I look at her and think...wedding?  Not sure that's even possible.

Phoebe has made huge strides in her life.  She has overcome a lot of obstacles, and I enjoy seeing her mature as little as it may be.  She makes me laugh.  She makes me cry.  She makes me scream.  I guess that makes me her mother.  Forever.  No matter how long that means.  Parenting her for the rest of my life has situated itself in to my plan.

Autism was not in the plan- but it's in our lives.  Forever.

Happy Mothers Day:)

is EVERYTHING Autism?

Autism is non-stop.  During the weekends, I feel like I can't stop thinking about what I could be doing for myself, what I should be doing better for my kids, what I could be doing for my health, what I want to be doing with my friends, and those "trendy" fun things I want to do with my kids.  It's the idea of what life should be.  The idea.  Not the reality.  My personality could not be farther from what my daughters is.  (for the most part)  She has high anxiety about the unknown, and I really don't.  She likes schedule rigidity, and sameness in foods, and routine routine routine.  I really...um, don't.  (Can I say that?)  Life isn't that simple.  I can't make things the same every day.  I can't control everything...I just can't.  I try really hard to, but in the end it's not really possible.  Autism is non-stop, and so is life.  I hate to say it, but the autism is going to have to adapt.  (sorry- but it's true)

This past weekend we had a garage sale.  Yes, my son helped me tremendously, and Phoebe helped here and there too.  But, tonight I am one tired momma.  My son got asked to go to a movie, and so I let him.  Phoebe wanted to go, and I hesitated on whether to take her.  Movies are not her thing, but the other kids were going, and she wanted to go with them.  Finally, I just said no.  Right or wrong...I just didn't have it in me.  I didn't want to go out for pop, and the bathroom 16 times--just so she could get up.  I just wanted to go home and relax.  As selfish as that is...I just said no.  She was not happy, but finally settled down. There are just days I don't want to deal with the autism.  (more days than I care to think about) Tonight, the autism had to adapt.

When people or Facebook asks what super hero you would be, or what super power you would have....my answer would be the ability to have a force field like shield around me and Phoebe.  Then when something came up that she didn't like...I could just yell..."SHIELD!" and she and I would be ok.  Right? Or maybe I'd choose to be invisible.  That would put a serious wrench in the non-stop autism world Phoebe lives in.  Mom?  Mom?  Mom? (that could get annoying)

Needless to say, I had to be selfish and do something for me.  I felt bad, but in the end it was all ok.  Everyone is now sound asleep and ready for a new week.

Ok Autism- I'm ready for this week.  SHIELD! (darn, it didn't work)